The Art of Jokes

I love jokes, don’t you? They’re the kind of thing to bring a smile to your face, laughter to your ears, and a warm chuckle to your heart. They’re like portable Kodak commercials.

Warm fuzzy feeling face.

Sometimes I sit around all day wondering what the best jokes are, and who I’m going to tell these jokes to, and who’s going to tell these jokes to me. I wonder about this stuff more often than is necessary. La la la.

Dramatic reenactment.

Some of the best jokes though, are inside jokes. Most of the time, inside jokes are between two people. It could be a word they both find funny, a phrase from something they both heard, or even a memory shared between the two of them. The whole idea though, is that there is something that these two are sharing that others don’t know about, and that’s part of the allure. Words like “organic” and “mumble” can suddenly turn into hilarious turns of phrase, but you don’t understand because people think you're an idiot “you just had to be there.”

Now, like I said, I love inside jokes. I have thousands with maybe a hundred people. Think about it. That’s at least ten per person. Probably more. The “s” placed after “thousand” implies pluralization, (which may or may not be a word?) so I have something like twenty to thirty inside jokes with the hundred people I interact with, most likely on a daily basis. Chances are if you’re reading this, we have an inside joke or twenty. In fact, we could all make the agreement that “pluralization” is a word, and now our inside joke. When you hear someone else say it, or read about it on the internet, or use it on a crossword, just giggle, because you get it and only few people other than yourself do, too. 

Tee hee.

The point unfortunately, is not so that we all have something to giggle at the next time we all get together for a word party where we discuss the authenticity of words. (I still think we should check on priceless.) Apparently, people are confused about inside jokes and we need to break down how they work to better function smoothly as comedic people.

Here’s the breakdown:

There are two people directly involved in an inside joke, Person A and Person B. After they have shared an experience, the two of them are forever bound by a joke, (let’s say the joke is “mumbled the professor.”) Every time one of them says that, they have a memory and they both laugh.

Next, usually only one person initiates laughter from an inside joke. Think about it. It’s either you, or your friend, but it probably isn’t both. For this breakdown, we’ll say Person A initiates. This could be for thousands of reasons, but it’s probably because Person A really isn’t that much fun to be around, so they bring up old jokes to keep the friendship alive. Person B hears the joke, chuckles, and they both resume their lives.

HOWEVER! All this changes when we add the indirect component, Person C. Person C overhears the inside joke, hears the laughter, and is instantly confused. Person C has a few options:

Option #1: The polite option. Hear the joke, laugh quietly along, and steer the subject towards better navigable territory.

Option #2: The mildly annoying option. INVESTIGATE AS TO WHY THE JOKE IS FUNNY

Option #3: This one is the most invariably evil. Person C can steal the joke, and instantly become a harbinger of chaos, doom, and annoyance. Person C can become the initiator of the inside joke, even though THEY WERE NOT THERE AND HAVE NO IDEA WHY IT’S FUNNY.

That third option, my dear friends, is bullshit.

So if in the future, if you're a boring person, don't rely on inside jokes. And when you hear a joke you don’t understand, don’t be a harbinger of evil. Thanks.

Word on the Street, Dog

As a user of the English language, I find myself completely enthralled with words like: enthralled, magnificent, beauteous, Thursday. These are great words, either because of their definitions or because of the sounds they make. Oh and bubble. Bubble’s a great word.

 

Is it a bubble or a cleverly disguised Death Star?

 

 

Unfortunately, there are tons of words and phrases that I just don’t care for.

Priceless. This word took me forever to understand. It reportedly means, “worth so much that there’s no point to putting a price on it because you’d never be able to afford paying for it you broke it in our museum, please leave.”

Reason: It could easily have the opposite meaning. Garbage has as much of a price as art. Less of a price. In fact, it has no price at all.

Is it garbage or art? It's priceless!

Unnerved. I think it means to make upset in a nervous way. Like, “Wow, when I realized this garbage was priceless, it unnerved me.”

Reason: THAT MAKES LITTLE SENSE. Un=opposite. Nerve=related to nervous. So unnerve should mean, “to stop being nervous,” like “When I realized what priceless should mean, it unnerved me so I stopped being  so worried about life, so I quit my job, left my family, and moved to Hollywood to pursue a career in the movies. This didn’t unnerve anyone.”

Juxtaposition. Ok, so I know this is one of those words that really has no synonym, because it means putting two things together to make a comparison. Like oxymorons, they’re all about juxtaposition. It has so much potential to be a great word, with a great meaning, and are there any other words that use J, P, and all those other letters? Answer: Juxtapositions.

Reason: THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN USE THIS WORD WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE AN ARROGANT HIPSTER DESCIBING POETRY. SORRY. FEW EXCEPTIONS. “The juxtaposition of the greenhouses with the red anger just made the whole thing look so superficial compared to the poetry of the modern subservient bourgeoisie.” Did that sentence make sense? Nope! If it did, you probably say you discovered The Beatles. Because you’re cool.

Juxtaposition makes you look like this.

Fifth. If you don’t know what this one means… wow. It’s 5. Like, “This is the first time I’ve had to explain the meaning of ‘fifth.’” Oh, that doesn’t use it in a great way. You get the picture. (Perhaps it’s the fifth picture you’ve gotten and you’re going to set up a gallery? Better!)

Reason: Say fifth. Say it again. Add a word after it, like amendment. Fifth Amendment. Fifth grade. Fifth cycle. IT’S WEIRD WORD. It shouldn’t be that hard to pronounce, and yet I say it with a quasi-lisp. Somehow. Fifth.  Curse you!

It’s not only words that I have issues with, some phrases make their way on to the list.

Well, actually. Anytime anyone uses “well, actually” they’re usually clarifying a previous statement with the statement that will follow. Such as: “I enjoy riding my bike. Well, actually, I love riding my bike.”

Reason: It makes people sound like know-it-alls, and not in a good way. “I enjoy riding my bike. Well, actually, I invented the bike after my first semester at university, due to the fact that I am an arrogant hipster. The juxtaposition of my arrogance against the innocence of a baby child is so astounding, except baby children are so last fortnight. Ah ah ah, fortnight.”

"Well, actually, you'd see my hair if you were in the 'know.'"

Any variation of “true that.” This might be a phenomenon of people my age in my geographic vicinity (true), but usually it’s a substitute for words like “ok, sure, mhmm.”

Reason: IT SOUNDS WEIRD. After I say “I’m ok, a little stressed.” And you said “true,” I GET CONFUSED. Would it not be a “true” fact? Was there something erroneous before that you forgot to point out so now you’re stating the veracity of everything I saying?

And to be clear, I’m not some word hater. I remembered a great word, “gregarious.” What a fun word.

And this can't be a complete list. And I sometimes use these words. And I love starting sentences with and. And ending them with and. Twice.

Cereal is for Real-el

Apparently, there’s a need for better cereals in the world. After remembering my epic battle with the Cheerios, I came up with a list for breakfast companies of what they should look for when creating great cereals.

 1. There has to be a good flavor. If the cereal tastes like cardboard, then I’m going to put tons and tons of  sugar on it, and that’s not going to be a good thing, because I’ll end up putting salt on, and then pepper, and then making really long sentences that are probably run-ons, and the world will not be happy. You can make the flavors different if you want to, what about cinnamon, or fruity, or chocolaty, whatever floats your boat!

 2. Make sure there’s a good sog factor. Apparently sog isn’t a word. Anyway, cereal is supposed to be different than the milk it rests in. That’s should be a law. If your cereal becomes too soggy too fast, then I feel like I’m eating some sort of disgusting, slimy concoction. Ew. None of that. Conversely, if your cereal doesn’t soften at all, we’re going get hard pieces, and even worse, JAGGED EDGES! I'm talking to you, Cap'n Crunch. Jagged edges cut into the roof of my mouth for no reason other than to cause me pain and misery, and IT SUCKS!!

Two parts grain, one part STEEL

 3. Ask the question: WHAT COLOR DOES THE MILK TURN? I used caps, so it’s pretty serious. The only colors that are acceptable for milk to turn are chocolate, pink, or off-white with a few swirls. Colors not allowed: IRIDESCENT OR OPALESCENT COLORS. For those of us who aren’t sure what those mean, (counting me) it means: NOT COLORS YOU WANT TO DRINK. If the milk your cereal creates looks like it could give me cancer, I DON’T WANT TO DRINK IT AFTERWARD. Chocolate cereals are fun because they give chocolate milk, fruity cereals can be fun because sometimes the milk looks good, but past that, BE CAREFUL. 

Hint: DON'T CONSUME THIS

Now, these are clearly for kids’ cereals, which are probably the best, but if you’re looking to create a fine cereal for adults, here’s a few more rules.

 4. Make it crunchy. Adults love a good crunch. However, avoid jagged pieces, because adults cry in pain, too.

 5. Have it be exactly like kids’ cereal, except make sure no one knows it actually is kids’ cereal. Put a secret toy at the bottom of the box so grown-ups have something they can look forward to getting after they finish the box without looking like wash-outs because they still eat cereal with a cartoon spokesperson. Or have the milk turn to chocolate. 

Notice how boring the box is? That's half the marketing strategy!

I love the chocolate milk. It’s like every holiday plus the last day of school plus the fact that I never got chocolate milk growing up because my parents sucked thought it was awesome but didn't love me enough a waste of money so the only way I could get it is if begged for it on the street I ate chocolate cereal. But then I’d have to eat the cereal slowly so that the milk and cereal could mix and become real chocolate milk instead of just mildly colored milk. And that would’ve been a tragedy.

Lack of chocolate milk causes this face

Cheerios Yuck Yuck Yuck

When I was younger, I decided to make myself a bowl of Cheerios. Now, these were not Honey Nut Cheerios, the delicious cereal that has the wonderfully sweet mixture of HONEY and NUT to create a world of joy. No. These were regular Cheerios that your grandmother always has stashed in her pantry for when you come to visit and she doesn’t want to waste the good tasting stuff on you so she gives you Cheerios.

Back to the bowl of Cheerios I was making for myself, I knew that in order for me to enjoy my breakfast, I would need to put on a few spoonfuls of sugar. I looked around for it, saw a container on my kitchen table, and just used that to pour over my cereal. After a few moments, when I decided that there was certainly a lot of white grains floating in my milk, I tasted it. Magically, my terrible Cheerios transformed into something far worse when I realized that I had put salt in my cereal instead of sugar.

Ew ew ew. Yuck.

To remedy the situation, I decided to use logic. Being a four year old, I was well versed in the knowledge that good and evil balance each other out, (I had just seen Star Wars) so I found the black pepper and poured that on my cereal. After all, why don’t salt and pepper cancel each other out? I’d watched adults for years pour both on at dinner, taste their food, and pour a little more of one on their food to balance it. It’s so obvious that the two opposites should be equal in parts so that my cereal was back to normal.

It's mathematical, therefore perfect.

Except, when I threw the pepper on my cereal, what I tasted was not the bad taste of Cheerios, but the putrid taste of disappointment, stupidity, and oh yeah, TOO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!

I was a little genius.

I could be angry with myself for this, or the adults around me, or Star Wars, but the true criminals are the creators of cereals, especially Cheerios.

Damn you, Cheerios, for needing sugar because you have no good flavor, damn you.