Cereal is for Real-el

Apparently, there’s a need for better cereals in the world. After remembering my epic battle with the Cheerios, I came up with a list for breakfast companies of what they should look for when creating great cereals.

 1. There has to be a good flavor. If the cereal tastes like cardboard, then I’m going to put tons and tons of  sugar on it, and that’s not going to be a good thing, because I’ll end up putting salt on, and then pepper, and then making really long sentences that are probably run-ons, and the world will not be happy. You can make the flavors different if you want to, what about cinnamon, or fruity, or chocolaty, whatever floats your boat!

 2. Make sure there’s a good sog factor. Apparently sog isn’t a word. Anyway, cereal is supposed to be different than the milk it rests in. That’s should be a law. If your cereal becomes too soggy too fast, then I feel like I’m eating some sort of disgusting, slimy concoction. Ew. None of that. Conversely, if your cereal doesn’t soften at all, we’re going get hard pieces, and even worse, JAGGED EDGES! I'm talking to you, Cap'n Crunch. Jagged edges cut into the roof of my mouth for no reason other than to cause me pain and misery, and IT SUCKS!!

Two parts grain, one part STEEL

 3. Ask the question: WHAT COLOR DOES THE MILK TURN? I used caps, so it’s pretty serious. The only colors that are acceptable for milk to turn are chocolate, pink, or off-white with a few swirls. Colors not allowed: IRIDESCENT OR OPALESCENT COLORS. For those of us who aren’t sure what those mean, (counting me) it means: NOT COLORS YOU WANT TO DRINK. If the milk your cereal creates looks like it could give me cancer, I DON’T WANT TO DRINK IT AFTERWARD. Chocolate cereals are fun because they give chocolate milk, fruity cereals can be fun because sometimes the milk looks good, but past that, BE CAREFUL. 

Hint: DON'T CONSUME THIS

Now, these are clearly for kids’ cereals, which are probably the best, but if you’re looking to create a fine cereal for adults, here’s a few more rules.

 4. Make it crunchy. Adults love a good crunch. However, avoid jagged pieces, because adults cry in pain, too.

 5. Have it be exactly like kids’ cereal, except make sure no one knows it actually is kids’ cereal. Put a secret toy at the bottom of the box so grown-ups have something they can look forward to getting after they finish the box without looking like wash-outs because they still eat cereal with a cartoon spokesperson. Or have the milk turn to chocolate. 

Notice how boring the box is? That's half the marketing strategy!

I love the chocolate milk. It’s like every holiday plus the last day of school plus the fact that I never got chocolate milk growing up because my parents sucked thought it was awesome but didn't love me enough a waste of money so the only way I could get it is if begged for it on the street I ate chocolate cereal. But then I’d have to eat the cereal slowly so that the milk and cereal could mix and become real chocolate milk instead of just mildly colored milk. And that would’ve been a tragedy.

Lack of chocolate milk causes this face